Profession vs. Parent: When the Right Thing Feels Wrong

In my professional life, I teach people how to take ownership of their actions. My work revolves around accountability. I lead court-ordered clients through hard truths:

• “You are responsible for your reactions.”

• “Blaming someone else doesn’t excuse your behavior.”

• “They started it” won’t hold up in court—or in life.”

I can recite those truths backward and forward. I believe them. I’ve seen the healing they bring when a person truly accepts responsibility without shifting blame.

But then…I come home.

And I become mom to a teenage son who reacts before he reflects. A son who wears his emotions on his sleeve. Who doesn’t always think, “Is this worth it?” before clapping back when someone disrespects him. A son who—if we’re being honest—rarely throws the first stone but almost always throws back harder.

So now, I’m torn between the professional and the parent.

The professional in me knows: “Your son must learn to manage his reactions regardless of what others do. Accountability is character.” But the parent in me is screaming: “These kids keep throwing rocks and hiding their hands! Why is only my son getting caught?”

And it hurts.

Because while I never say it aloud, every time someone calls or texts me about my son’s behavior, my gut wants to scream: “What did they do to him first?”

But I don’t.

Because that would undercut everything I teach. Because the bigger lesson isn’t about fairness—it’s about integrity. It’s about being responsible even when no one else is. It’s about learning to stay grounded even when others are reckless.

I never say these conflicting thoughts to my son. I swallow them and stand firm in the truth I know he needs: “You are responsible for you.” “Your reaction is your choice.” “Walk away when you can.”

“Be smarter, not louder.”

But as a mom, I know the deeper truth: Life isn’t always fair. Justice isn’t always balanced. And the loudest one often gets the consequence—even if they weren’t the one who started it.

This is my internal battle. One I fight silently so my son doesn’t have to. One I carry so he can carry accountability without resentment.

I only wish more parents did the same. That more of us raised our kids to be better, not just to be right. That we’d stop defending poor behavior with, “they did it first,” and start raising the kids who did it first to stop doing it altogether. That we’d teach our children not to provoke, not to test limits just to watch someone else break. Because accountability doesn’t just belong to the one who got caught—it belongs to everyone involved.

And maybe if we all took that seriously, we wouldn’t need so many court-ordered classes in the first place.