When We Choose the Easy Villain

Celebrity Breakups, Domestic Violence, and the Accountability We Avoid

There are two conversations dominating my timeline right now and somehow I keep getting added to the group chat I didn’t ask to join. So let me weigh in.

But first, credentials, because that’s usually the first line of attack. I’m not a “bitter baby mama,” not an “angry single Black woman,” not “low vibration,” not a “pick me.” I was raised by both parents. I’m married to the father of my children. We’ve been together for nearly 20 years, and to my knowledge, neither of us has children outside of our relationship lol.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

What We’re Talking About vs. What We’re Avoiding

The trending topics? High-profile breakups and cheating allegations, names like Megan Thee Stallion and Klay Thompson, and not long ago, Cardi B and Stefon Diggs.

The commentary has been loud and predictable:

• “Not wife material.”

• “Ran through.”

• “That’s what she gets.”

• “Doing too much.”

The narrative flips fast. A woman can go from “wife” to “baby mama” in a headline. From admired to discredited overnight. From victim to villain—based on partial information and public opinion.

Let me be clear: I don’t have an opinion on these women’s personal lives. As a consumer, I understand that I only know what’s shared, leaked, or spun for engagement.

What I do have an opinion on is how we respond.

Public Pain, Private Standards

Breakups are hard. Betrayal is hard. Heartbreak is hard. Now imagine experiencing all of that—with millions of people watching, commenting, dissecting, and deciding who you are.

There is support, yes but it’s often drowned out by criticism. And more often than not, the person experiencing the emotional distress becomes the villain of the story.

Not the one who caused harm.Not the one who made the decision.But the one who had it done to them.

That should concern us.

Meanwhile… What We’re Not Talking About

At the same time these celebrity breakups are trending, there have been multiple fatal domestic violence cases.

And the difference in response is loud in its silence.

Where are the think pieces?Where are the podcast debates?Where is the outrage about the actual harm?

Because here’s what I see, as someone who works in this field:

Blame shifting.

Why We Blame the “Easier” Person

In cases of cheating, it’s often easier to scrutinize the person who was cheated on:

• “What did they do?”

• “They must have pushed them away.”

• “Nobody just cheats for no reason.”

Why? Because holding the person who cheated fully accountable might hit too close to home. It might force us to confront behaviors we’ve normalized, excused, or even engaged in ourselves.

So instead, we analyze the victim’s flaws.

Why We Stay Quiet About Abuse

Now let’s talk about something heavier.

When it comes to abuse—especially domestic violence—people get quiet. Careful. Vague.

Because being honest would require confronting:

• Our own behaviors

• People we love

• Patterns we’ve minimized

Some people avoid criticizing abusers because:

• They’ve been abusive in their own way

• They know someone who has been

• Or they’ve normalized violence to the point where it doesn’t register as alarming

And before someone rushes to say, “Women are abusive too”—yes, they can be.But if that’s your immediate response to a conversation centered on male-perpetrated violence, you’re not adding nuance—you’re deflecting.

That’s the very definition of being intentionally obtuse.And it doesn’t help anyone.

The Mirror We Don’t Want to Face

We are far more comfortable tearing down someone else’s “glass house” than acknowledging cracks in our own.

We will:

• Critique a woman’s worth in a relationship

• Dissect her behavior

• Assign blame where it’s convenient

But we hesitate to:

• Call out harmful behavior we recognize

• Hold people accountable when it’s uncomfortable

• Examine our own patterns honestly

Because that requires mirror work.

And mirror work is hard.